So...

So yeah, I don't know what this post is gonna end up being like, considering my mood. I'm in a fairly decent one now, but who knows. Let's see... where should I start?

It's really windy outside. Like super windy... I keep thinking my window is gonna blow in... that's not as outrageous of an idea as it sounds... it has happened before... more than once. Wow, that's a lot of elipseses in one sentence... and I just made a new word.

I should really be doing about 20 other things besides making this post. Like studying for bio, or practicing my band and flute choir music... actually, I should be at flute choir rehearsal. I forgot about it til about 10 minutes after it started. Oh well.

I have a really bad attitude at the moment, as I'm sure you can tell. I don't really care about much at the moment. I was incredibly mad a couple days ago, then I moved on to the frustrated stage, and now I'm to the apathetic stage. As for what I was mad, frustrated, and now apathetic about... good question. A combination of things I suppose.

My lights keep flickering.

Which in turn freezes my computer for like 20 seconds. Annoying.

I really don't wanna go back to school... of course I don't know what I would do if I didn't... sit around and eat and get fat... wait, I do that now.

You know what's annoying? Family members who overreact to things you say... Like Em telling everyone I thought I was going to get fired the other day at work... I never said anything like that. I'm frustrated with work, yes, but they have no way to fire me, because I haven't done anything wrong. Anyway, she rushed off and told people that. Grr.

So I shouldn't have started this, because my current train of thought is going to lead me where I didn't intend to go. This train has nothing to do with the previous paragraph, by the way, though I could write a whole book on that subject.

I didn't want to be all introspective, but maybe it will make me feel better if I write it down. I considered doing it the other night, but lost my motivation as soon as my head hit the pillow. First of all, I'm pretty sure I'm getting back to the whole depression/negativity thing... they're directly linked. And I was doing so well for a while there. Good things never last though. (see, there ya go...)

All of this, however, is directly linked to other things... see, I've had so much time to think lately, that I've connected it all. I know the source of my self-induced misery... if only I had the motivation to do something about it. (In my head I followed that sentence with "oh well," just to show my true state) I'm going to talk myself back into being angry in a minute if I'm not careful... I also decided I have an anger issue by the way... but that's only so bad at certain times, if you know what I mean. I'm beginning to think all of this is only so bad at certain times.

Anyway, I should really shut up now, cuz you're all gonna think I have some serious issues. This is the only time I'm really very open these days though, so this is where it all tends to work itself out in my head. I'm just rambling now.

Okay, so I think this all started a few days ago when I was thinking about the stupid things I think/do, and decided that if I really believed what I say I do, I'd be willing to stop thinking/saying/doing stupid things. My conclusion was... okay, I never came to one.

Now my lights keep going almost all the way off and coming back on. If something fries my computer I'm gonna be ticked. Then we're gonna see some anger issues...

So anyway, after that line of thought I got all philosopical on myself, and still came to no conclusions. Basically, it was pointless thinking, and this is pointless writing. So pointless that I seriously should stop and work on my bio questions.

So hmmm, I like Christmas, but I was also thinking the other day that it's not nearly as exciting as it used to be... that's partially cuz I'm not 10 years old anymore. Then on my way home tonight I was thinking about how completely empty and depressing Christmas must be without a real reason to celebrate it. That of course, led to more thinking about whether I actually believed in the reason I celebrate it. My problem is, I think, is that I often think of my faith in the same way I think of say, The Lord of the Rings or The Chronicles of Narnia... they're all good stories.

So the final question... is there a difference between what I know is true, and what I believe? Yeah, tough, huh? One would think they were the same, but I'm not so sure now. Maybe I know what's true, but it's not real to me? I don't know. I shouldn't be wasting time pondering the questions of the universe... okay, so I'm most likely the only one in the universe who comes up with things like this. I really don't know.

Sorry to have wasted your time. I know that I sound all pathetic... I feel pathetic too, don't worry. Maybe I feel better... maybe I don't. Only time will tell... and probably my next human interaction... whether or not the lucky individual departs with his or her head.