On a lighter note...

So I don't know if this will really be on a lighter note than my previous post, but I feel better, so it should be.

I feel better for multiple reasons. A, I just emailed my teachers a new copy of the outline I handed in today. It was much improved. Probly won't help my grade, but it makes me feel better. B, I'm listenin' to some good ole Howie Day, which I haven't done for a while. C, my mom gave me a rose for Valentine's day... I was in a really bad mood when I got home, and there was a rose in my room and it made it all okay. Funny, since I'd gotten so low this morning that I was looking for something to cheer me up, which I did kind of find.

I have to apologize to all of the people I was short with last night, and all the million times before. It's a good thing you all are forgiving. I'm afraid if I were you I would have walked away a long time ago.

I feel guilty. Not angry, not frustrated even, if you can imagine that, but guilty... ashamed, whatever it is you want to call it. It's a peaceful feeling compared to the past few days:) I guess I just know that I take advantage of so much and I never give it back. I never make up for it. For example, I feel like you guys are always there for me and I'm never there for you. I guess that's all part of the reason I just can't bring myself to quite accept the whole grace idea. I want to, but everything in me screams not to accept what I don't deserve. Even if I did everything I could from the day I accepted it, I still couldn't pay it all back. So what's in my way? Pride? Fear? Laziness? All of the above I'm afraid. I'm too proud to admit I need it, that I can't save myself, too afraid that if I do accept it that I'll have be uncomfortable, too lazy to do what it takes.

So, I don't know. Sorry, I really need to avoid this whole thinking, writing, questioning thing. I think ignorance is bliss. If I discover that I actually think something, I have to take responsibility for it. That's crappy:)

So much for the lighter note.

I need to not be alone right now. I was just feeling completely claustrophobic, but now I realize that it's just cuz there's no one else in the room. Funny how yesterday the only thing I wanted was to be alone, and this morning even, and now I can't stand to be with myself. Oh well, another one of these moods that will soon pass.

Well, I think I will go downstairs and not be alone anymore. See ya'll later, and Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who have reason to celebrate it, and Happy Singles' Awareness Day to those of you who celebrate your singularity (and I don't mean that sarcastically for once).