When everything looks pretty...

It's easy to think you've found the way. Especially when things are going your way. They're really looking up. It's too bad that's when you begin to lose sight of the truth.

Sorry... just a semi-random thought. It is easy though, when things are great, to feel so secure that you don't even know when the bottom falls out.

I've recently made the decision to stop lying to myself, at least about the things I realize that I'm lying about. I can't live in denial of my problems, shortcomings, or whatever they are... neither of those words really fit.

I don't know when I stopped knowing who I was. I suppose it was when I became aware of the gray area. When I stopped having a favorite flavor of ice cream, and I started liking all the colors mixed together better than just purple. Options aren't always a great thing. They make things a lot harder. What'd I'd give to see in black and white again...

If you're a rose, then I'm the thorn that's in your side. There's something in my way, and it's all mine to deal with. I just feel safer with it there. But safety is stupid. I despise it in every other aspect. Why do I crave it here?

Sorry, this really is random and completely rhetorical. I really shouldn't post things like this.

I must agree that when I'm looking at the stars is when I feel most like myself. There's something renewing about being reminded that you're nothing... odd, I know.

I have to stop this whole thinking thing... it doesn't do anybody any good. :)

I watched Elizabethtown tonight... weird movie all around, but not bad. My parents thought it was the stupidest thing they'd ever slept thru, but then again, they didn't get it. They didn't try. It actually said a lot to me. I won't describe it, cuz I don't want to ruin it for anybody who might ever see it... not that more than 2 people even read this. :) But anyway, if you're up for things you have to think about a little, and a little cheesy romance, it's not bad. You could pretty much do without the whole first hour though.

I'm pretty sure "Just Like Heaven" is going on my list of favorites, along with "You've Got Mail" and other cheesy chick flicks. My taste is movies is pathetic, but at least I'm willing to admit it. :)

Well, I should go to bed. I despise the whole "work" at 8 o'clock in the morning thing. Even if that does mean I'll go do my math and philosophy homework... neither of which I ever have to do, but I will just to kill the time. If I'm so lucky as to get the computer, I might even be up to another post... but less than 12 hours after this one... I don't know... that's pushin' it.

Know what's stupid? That you can't change the time on here anymore. Cuz it never says the real time. It's usually close, but it really annoys me that it can't be exact. Oh well.

Sorry. G'night :)

I have no title...

I decided that, rather than waste my time trying to come up with some clever title, I'd just be honest.

Anyway, I'm pretty excited, cuz I get to go see the new baby after this. :) Once I get off "work." I'm not ashamed to admit that I never really work. Although, I did just spend the last 30 minutes cleaning this keyboard, that couldn't possibly have been cleaned in the past 5 years at least. It's still disgusting. And there are still dust bunnies on the desk from where I cleaned the top of the monitor.

So anyway, yeah, I get to go see the new baby, and I'm excited. Also I'm excited, cuz after that I get to go home and finish watching the movie I didn't get to finish this morning cuz the power went out. Stupid electricity, or lack thereof. I was leaving my house at 11:15 and it came back on... I went back and took a shower. So much for punctuality... I go more for don't-stink-uality. But anyway, I couldn't have been more than 15 minutes from the end of my movie. I was sad. It reminds me a lot of "Return to Me," so I may have to share it with Barb. She would enjoy it.

I'm all about skipping school from now on. I can't say that it was bad at all... not that I thought it would be. The whole week of missing made the next week a little stressful, so I'll try to avoid that from now on, but just morning classes now and then... not so bad.

I hate answering phones... I've officially decided that I never want to work anywhere where I have to answer phones... like that'll ever happen. I get really flustered on the phone, and generally I can't remember what happened as soon as I hang it up. I have some serious communication issues. Oh well.

So I was just made aware that in 2 weeks we have a band perfomance in Carthage on a Thursday... my community service is scheduled for Thursdays... GRRRR. I wonder how all this is gonna work out. Oh well.

Speaking of that... I need to make my "journal entry" for this week. It's gonna be hard to discuss my community service experience in it if I haven't had any yet, but I'l make do.

My jaw is all messed up again. It had been doing so well. I hadn't heard it pop or anything for a couple years, actually, and then Wednesday it popped while I was eating an apple and it's been screwed up ever since.

So yeah, my post just got totally lost. I'm really confused. It saved it up to this point, and got rid of the rest. Weird, but I'm pretty excited it saved this much. Problem is, I may repeat myself, cuz now I'm not sure what it said up there and what was in the part that got erased.

I do remember that I was complaining about only getting paid for one week yesterday, so I only got like $50, and then I concluded that that is better than nothing, but that I love Wilson's Leather.

And I had just begun a paragraph on Renee's odd obsession with IHOP at 1 a.m. She's trying to recruit the whole band to go with her, only most of them just thing we're stupid, so she's not having much luck. I myself am simply not up for IHOP, or anything else, at one o'clock in the morning. Like I said, it's an odd obsession.

I have to remember Andy and Melissa's wedding tomorrow. I love weddings... people I know need to start getting married so I can be a bride's maid or something. Oh well... someday:)

Well, I'm gonna start shutting this beautiful computer down, and I'm guessing that this post won't make it because it is having issues. But we'll have to see. Maybe I'll save it just in case, cuz even though it is a pointless post, it would be a shame to lose it. Well, I'll see y'all later:)

On a lighter note...

So I don't know if this will really be on a lighter note than my previous post, but I feel better, so it should be.

I feel better for multiple reasons. A, I just emailed my teachers a new copy of the outline I handed in today. It was much improved. Probly won't help my grade, but it makes me feel better. B, I'm listenin' to some good ole Howie Day, which I haven't done for a while. C, my mom gave me a rose for Valentine's day... I was in a really bad mood when I got home, and there was a rose in my room and it made it all okay. Funny, since I'd gotten so low this morning that I was looking for something to cheer me up, which I did kind of find.

I have to apologize to all of the people I was short with last night, and all the million times before. It's a good thing you all are forgiving. I'm afraid if I were you I would have walked away a long time ago.

I feel guilty. Not angry, not frustrated even, if you can imagine that, but guilty... ashamed, whatever it is you want to call it. It's a peaceful feeling compared to the past few days:) I guess I just know that I take advantage of so much and I never give it back. I never make up for it. For example, I feel like you guys are always there for me and I'm never there for you. I guess that's all part of the reason I just can't bring myself to quite accept the whole grace idea. I want to, but everything in me screams not to accept what I don't deserve. Even if I did everything I could from the day I accepted it, I still couldn't pay it all back. So what's in my way? Pride? Fear? Laziness? All of the above I'm afraid. I'm too proud to admit I need it, that I can't save myself, too afraid that if I do accept it that I'll have be uncomfortable, too lazy to do what it takes.

So, I don't know. Sorry, I really need to avoid this whole thinking, writing, questioning thing. I think ignorance is bliss. If I discover that I actually think something, I have to take responsibility for it. That's crappy:)

So much for the lighter note.

I need to not be alone right now. I was just feeling completely claustrophobic, but now I realize that it's just cuz there's no one else in the room. Funny how yesterday the only thing I wanted was to be alone, and this morning even, and now I can't stand to be with myself. Oh well, another one of these moods that will soon pass.

Well, I think I will go downstairs and not be alone anymore. See ya'll later, and Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who have reason to celebrate it, and Happy Singles' Awareness Day to those of you who celebrate your singularity (and I don't mean that sarcastically for once).

i HATE speeches...

So yeah... I have no topic for this speech that's due in... 17 hours. This seems like a lot of time, only it includes sleeping, showering, driving, and spending like 5 hours in classes. It's not very much time. Approximately 3 hours til bedtime.

So this is mainly gonna be brainstorming, but I'm gonna post it out there for everybody to read anyway.

The big thing that's been pushed so far in choosing a topic has been choosing something you know a lot about. I've come to the conclusion that I don't know anything. I mean seriously, I can't tell anybody anything about anything without finding the answer somewhere else. There is absolutely nothing that I'm really "knowledgeable" about.

My second plan was to pick something I care about... In response to that, I find that I don't care about anything. At least nothing I can give a speech about. I look around my room trying to see something that could give me an idea... the only thing in the whole room that actually means anything to me are the prom pictures, the Wizard of Oz poster, and the picture of my Compassion child. I don't know if I even would have had the Compassion idea if Kristen (and by Kristen I mean Larry) hadn't thought of it first.

So does all of this mean that there's abosolutely nothing of any significance in my life? I'm beginning to think so. It would explain a lot. It explains why I'm depressed half the time, and why I couldn't come up with any "interests" when I was trying to update my profile the other day.

I'm beginning to think that I'm actually gonna have to follow thru on the history of Valentine's Day... oh, I mean Singles' Awareness Day... idea.

I always thought Google was my friend, but today it has given me absolutely nothing.

All of this actually explains a whole lot. It also shows why I can't pick a major and why I have seemingly no ambitions for the rest of my life. In order to do what I love, I have to love something. Explains why I can't get out of any boat... I'm still on the shore.

The Olympics are awesome. It means I don't have to watch any of the crappy stuff on TV. I can just watch the Olympics. I watched the luge the other day... I really, really, really, want to try it. If there was any Olympic sport that I wanted to attempt it would be the luge.

Hey hey, I just realized that I don't feel like throwing up anymore... YES!

I still have no topic. Let's see... I like music. I like food. I like TV. I like soap. Yes, soap. I like the luge. I'm pretty sure that's it. Oh, I like Mary Higgins Clark. I read a whole book Friday night... all 300 pages of it. I like cute little kids.... They make me wish I could be little again.

That's something else I've been thinking about actually. How I wish I could see things like a little kid again. I wish I could just believe everything I'm supposed to believe and not question it. I wish things were simple like they were back then. I wish I could still believe that everything I was allowed to see, hear, and believe were true. I wish I still knew the difference between what is real and what is just crap in my head.

Enough of that. I still need a topic. Seriously... this is the hardest thing I've done in college. Not kidding at all, seriously.

Do I seriously just not care about anything!? I really don't think I do. Pretty sure I can't talk for 5 mintues about blogging, so I'm thinking this is all pretty much pointless, but at this point I just don't care... Ha, I didn't intend to do that.

I just scratched my gum with my nonexistent fingernail and made it bleed. Stupid.

This is so pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I just realized that all of this sounds like I'm nothing but a selfish, whiney person... that might not be far off, but it's really not what I intend. I'm angry. I come across as just whiney and pathetic though. Angry might be the wrong word... I'm not throwing or hitting, though I might get to that point soon. Mostly I'm frustrated. With this assignment, but mostly with myself.

You know, I've figured this out in my head, and I'm pretty sure I could still get an A in this class even if I refuse to do this speech altogether.

If I had a place to volunteer, I could research that place and talk about it. Too bad I don't have that either.

Go Daron Rahlves and Bode Miller.

I really should stop this, but I still don't have a topic, therefore I'm not technically wasting time, cuz there's nothing else I could be doing.

On my way home I realized that the whole Wendy's idea wasn't gonna fly for you guys. We tried to go there for lunch today. For some reason I didn't even think of it til I was almost home, and I thought about calling somebody, but then I decided that that would probly make things even more confusing than when you got there and found that it was closed. Sorry.

I wonder if the United Way would take me. They have a whole bunch of literacy stuff going on that I might be okay at. I don't know what to do about any of this. GRRRRRRRR...

Sorry... I'm going to quit now. Maybe writing is hindering my creativity (yeah right). If anything writing brings it out. Oh well... maybe I just don't have any creativity yet. Maybe I'll just go home.

Thinking... oh no...

Well, okay, my thinking has been prompted by philosophy class... but then I guess that's kinda the point of that class afterall, huh? Well, anyway, I've been thinking about how we always try to fit God in a box. While trying to decide for myself what I believe about ethics and morality, I've decided that I look at God in a very small way.

(This really isn't a new subject. The paragraph change is simply for the ease of my many fans...) Anyway, I was trying to decide if there is any truth to cultural relativism at all. Conclusion: Yes, there is some truth to it. But I second guess that conclusion. If there is a god that is all powerful (and I'm begging to differ only for argument's sake), then shouldn't all of the same things be right and wrong everywhere? Maybe.

There are some things, though, that I've decided are relative to time and place. The whole cannibalism vs. cremation thing, for example. There nothing that I know of (and I admit I don't know much), that says that cannibalism will condemn a person. As far as I know, it's not morally "wrong." It is disgusting, and here we would see it as immoral, but other cultures view that as the most honorable way to treat their dead. They eat them.

Other cultures, however, believe that cremation is the best way to honor their dead. Our culture has differing views about it, but in some places it's the only thing that's acceptable. Ruth Benedict did a study about 80 years ago involving cultures with opposing views of cremation and cannibalism. She asked the cannibals what it would take to get them to burn the bodies of their dead... they were shocked and horrified. The same was true of the others.

So there you kind of have it. But I've gotten off topic. God in a box. If we can look at things like murder, for example, it's a little more cloudy. The Eskimos will kill their children if they feel then can't take care of them and all of their other children. Is murder "right" anywhere? I think, no, know not. But we can argue that because the Eskimos don't believe it is wrong, because they don't believe in a god who condemns it, that it is right for them. We have put God in a box. By buying into this we fall into the trap of believing that God's commands don't apply to those who don't believe.

The way I put it really doesn't communicate what I was thinking quite right, but I can't think of any other way to say it. So, I don't know. I guess basically, we can easily fall into the trap of believing that God isn't all-powerful, but only half-powerful. It's way too easy to let him shrink into a corner and stay there. Sometimes the human mind is such an annoying thing... :)

Well, okay, I'm gonna get off my soapbox now, even though I'm pretty sure nobody can possibly understand it. I will stand on my soapbox all by myself :)

I've also decided I'm not near as good at the whole figurative language thing as Nick... 'course I think he steals part of his from books. :)

And as for other things I've been thinking about... well, I'm still in the thinking stage and not the concluding one, so I'll stay away from them for now.

There are a whole lot of people calling to schedule tests this morning. I hate it when they call for anything else though, cuz I don't know what to do :) What a loser... oh well.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go and get back to "work." Everybody have a super-dee-duper day! Oh my goodness... I'm starting to sound like... I don't know who, but somebody. Good think I could never say that out loud :)