Self-preservation...

Sometimes I wonder what makes me think the way I do... okay, so I wonder it a lot. I also wonder why my mind is most open and uninhibited at 1 am when I have to be at school by 8 the next morning, therefore causing another 4 or 5 hour night. It's a little frustrating.

So anyway, why am I the way I am? I don't know. All of this thinking (still) is brought on by trying to figure out what I need to do to be happy, yet also make enough money and have enough time... It's all pretty much pointless. I told somebody not long ago that I'd decided that living in the moment was the only thing I could do... I can't live in the past, and certainly not in the future. I think I'm beginning to see the wisdom in my own words. I can't know what's going to happen 2, 3 years from now. I don't even know what's going to happen next week, and yet I'm so concerned about figuring it out now...

I've tried to figure out what I'm so afraid of when I think about not knowing exactly what will happen and not being totally prepared for it. I don't know what it is. It's funny though, that I was once the most impulsive and spontaneous person, and now I have this crippling fear of anything going any other way than what I anticipated. Now, I can't say this applies to the small things, because I am still impulsive there, but in the big picture... I want to know right now. When I'm out of school, where will I work? What will I do? Who will I know? I so want to know all of those things so I can't screw them up now. I'm kinda living in reverse. What happens now should be what determines the future, not the other way around. So why can't I get that thru my head?

All of this, I suppose, is my method of self-preservation. I know, I really don't need to worry about that. I've never been in need of anything my whole life. It's just this nagging thought that tells me that I need to do everything I can to be prepared so that nothing can go wrong... I don't know why.

Even with all of this thought out though, I still don't know what to think. I don't know what to major in (and that's the biggest question) or anything else. They say do what you love... well, I am, but I don't want it to become what I don't love because there's so much negativity attached to it. I don't want my problems with people to worm their way between me and what I love to do. I see that starting to happen and it scares me. And the same question pops up from the back of my mind: What will you do with it? You're going to graduate with nowhere to go...

And then there's the question of what am I intended to do (that's really the first question, but I often skip over it... bad habit). This brings me back to doing what I love... why would I love it if I wasn't intended to do it? But then again, how can I use it? I just don't know. I wanna know all the answers to life's tough questions... right now. Not good, huh? I want more than anything to do something that matters. Something that gives back to others some of what I've been given. As much as I tell myself otherwise, I care about people. Sure, I'm as numb to violence, poverty, etc, as much as the next person, but occasionally things are made painfully clear to me. I don't know how or why, but once in a while... It's good though... My heart's not nearly as hard as it once was... in more than one area.

Even so, I can't make a decision. One day I think one thing is right, and the next I'll know with absolute certainty that it is wrong. I don't know what to think anymore.

Despite how this sounds, I'm oddly peaceful with my indecisiveness tonight. Sometimes it makes me really angry... tonight I'm either peaceful or apathetic... I'm choosing peaceful.

I was thinking yesterday about what I would things I would regret not trying. I could only think of one, really. So my decision as of now is to try that. It only makes sense. At least it does to me. If I hate it, then at least I will know that and not always be looking back thinking that I've missed out.

The vagueness of this post is making it all sound way more important to the rest of the world than it actually is. I'm the only one it's really this earthshaking for, but oh well. Call it a flair for the dramatic.

All in all, I'm still not sure what to think. I'm not sure I ever will be. I'm starting to wish, though, that I'd been one of those kids who always wanted to be a dentist, or doctor, or teacher, or whatever... it would just make life so much easier these days. Liberal arts can be so frustratingly useless at times... and no matter what I decide it's gonna be liberal.

I'm pretty sure my brain is overworked. It's starting to fire these random electric shocks and causing full-body twitches... weird. I'm hopin' that goes away before I'm out in public. If the bookshelf behind me was any closer I would have hit my head really hard earlier... Between this and the eye twitches I'm starting to think my brain is just evaporating. I keep telling it that it only has to last another week and a half...

Well, I haven't come to any earth-shattering conclusions... too bad, since I would really like to have things all figured out. I guess it doesn't all depend on me though. Some things aren't at all in my hands like I'd like them to be. I guess it'll all work out in the end, or come out in the wash, as my mom would say. Speaking of my mom... no. That's a whole other post. I can only discuss one issue at a time.

So long for now.

"My life is brilliant," or at least maybe someday...