I was right...

Yep... all of yesterday's resolve has evaporated. I'm still majorless... still have no real goals in life... woohoo.

I was totally in a good mood earlier. What is wrong with me now? Stupid head of mine.

Have I ever told you how much I hate verbal communication? Good. Wanna know how much more I hate it when it's a serious subject with someone I should really have serious conversations with, but never do? Good, cuz I don't want to get into it. I'll just say that avoidance is key.

This is again really not getting my philosophy paper done... I don't think I care anymore. I'm gonna have to get a lot more serious about school here in the next few weeks. I really need to bring a couple of my grades up. Math class, for instance... not great. I'm gonna have to study really hard for the next test. The last one was really good, but the one before that.... well...

I feel like I'm wastin' so much time. I don't even know what on. I just feel like things are passing me by and I don't even realize it til it's too late. I'm going to change that though.

You know what? I'm done with this. I totally didn't feel down like this a few hours ago, and I was a lot happier then. I'm done with bein' stupid... at least for tonight. Bye bye, and be happy. No, be confident. Or something.

Woohoo...

What is so wrong with big ideas, I ask you? Okay, I really just ask me, but feel free to answer.

I have these occasional ideas for a major or a career, but I always shoot them down. What is so wrong with thinking big? Maybe it's this renewed sense of being I'm finding these days, but I'm beginning to think that crazy ideas could be the best thing for me. I mean, when was the last time I went out on a limb and it turned out bad? I honestly don't know if I can say it's ever turned out bad. Well, okay, at least not something like this. Sure, I've "failed," but it hasn't killed me yet. So why not go all out?

It's all a little scary I guess, but lots of things are scary. Learning to drive a car was scary, but I needed that, so I did it. Well, I need this. I need a big idea. A change in pace. So... I'm gonna do it. (Don't ask me about this later when my resolve has dwindled, because it most likely will. Don't ask... just make me do it. I'm not even sure what "it" is yet.) I'm gonna crawl out on this limb. What's the worst that could happen? I could die, but most likely I'll just be paralyzed from the waist down. Okay, yeah, that was bad. But anyway, what's the worst that could happen? I find out I hate it and I've wasted a few years and a few thousand dollars.

So maybe I should figure out what "it" is. "It" could most likely be this crazy idea I dug up from a couple years ago. So here's the deal: I major in music (probly music ed) and minor in psychology. Once I'm all done with that, I take a little road trip to Drury, the only college in the area that offers a degree in music psychology, and I get my master's in Music Psychology. Yes, this sounds a little dull, even to me. Anytime I think about it too hard I decide that there's no way I want to major in music. I'm going to have to stop thinking. Music is the only thing I really know. I don't know math, science, computers, communication, anything like that. I can read, write, and sing, and that's about it. Anyway, while I'm taking these sweet classes at Drury, I can give lessons, teach part-time, you know... whatever time allows. I'll most likely still live at home, so I won't have a ton of bills to pay. Just tuition. Which'll kill me. Pay to go to school... who's ever heard of that?

Yeah, anyway, everytime I think about this is sounds crazier to me. I've decided though, that I'm never going to decide what I want to do. I'm just going to have to pick something and then do what it allows and make the best of whatever that turns out to be.

Tomorrow my resolve will be gone, but for tonight... big ideas it is. Woohoo...

I'm freezing...

So that doesn't make such a great title... it's entirely true though. I haven't been warm for like 3 hours. Oh well.

So I'm quickly losing my sanity. No matter what I do, I will never have these kids' respect. I don't know what I did to lose it, but they don't care a bit about what I do or ask them to do. Sorry, I'm venting. I'm just not cut out for this I guess. Not right now anyway. Sorry, it's just frustrating, and my mom doesn't help any cuz she thinks that because this is Grandma's house they should get away with everything. Like I told her Julie said Grace should go to bed pretty early cuz she was up really late last night... the kid's been grumpy for about 5 hours now, and my mom's down there feeding her ice cream or something. Grrr. She must have been different with me, cuz I never got that kind of treatment. Oh well... there's a reason I'm shut in my room.

Now that that's out of my system, at least mostly: .... I'm out of things to say. I guess I could say that Spring Break is kind of stupid, in my opinion. If you don't go on a trip, you're stuck for a week at home with absolutely nothing to do. And all it accomplishes in the end is making you want school to be out sooner. I used to not like that we were the only ones who didn't get Spring Break... now I understand. The days out are much more valuable if they're few and far between. I lived them more fully then, I guess you could say. Again... oh well.

Now she's down there playing a game with them. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I feel like everything I told them earlier is being undermined... no wonder they don't listen to a word I say.

Obviously I'm in a negative mood. I should really stop writing then, because I think the more I think about it, the worse I get.

Oh, I have to talk about the book I just finished though. It was incredibly weird. All the books this guy has written have been weird, but this one just topped them all. It's called Showdown, and as with his others, it's about the "battle" between good and evil. I can't even explain it... it's just incredibly twisted. Yeah... I'm trying to think of a way to explain it, but I just can't. It's not technically part of the series, but it ties in a lot with the Circle trilogy: Red, White, and Black. I'm pretty sure it's even more twisted than those. It's another one that will make you do some serious thinking though... I think that's why I like them. There's one coming out soon that he's writing with Frank Peretti... I can't even imagine what it's going to be like. Peretti books are just as crazy, if not more, and the two of them together... yeah.

Okay, I'll be done with that. I know, nobody has any idea what I'm talking about. It works for me that way though.

Well, I think maybe I've calmed down a bit now... maybe to the point that I don't have to be shut in here anymore... but maybe not. I really need to start on some of my homework, but I really don't want to. This is why I think Spring Break is bad... it makes me not want to do anything.

I don't know what I'm gonna do this summer. If the last few days have been any indication, I'm going to become a severely depressed couch potato. Having nothing to do is really bad for me. I would get a job, but then I couldn't get off for kids' camps and stuff. Idk... nothing really works out to where I could just randomly take weeks off at at time. So for the most part, I fear I'm going to be bored, broke, and fat. Fat because I eat when I'm bored. Oh well. I should take summer school. Nope, nevermind, can't take weeks off from that either. I think I have my priorities in the right order, but sometimes I wonder.

Well, okay, all of this is beginning to lead to more thinking, and I don't want to go there. I think I'll quit while I'm ahead... or at least not too far behind.

Killing time...

Okay, so I have no idea what this is going to be about, but I have exactly 13 minutes to kill. And I will probably stretch that to 18, since it won't take me 10 minutes to walk like, 50 yards. I just used a lot of numbers in that sentence.

Daisy let it go. My cousin just asked me to go to Florida with the Koinonia group over spring break... wonder if I could take up an offering... sorry. Somebody slap me.

But really, I'm thinking that it might not be a bad trip to go on. Apparently my dad had told Jesse, (above mentioned cousin), that I had mentioned it... I didn't even know about it. My dad doesn't have a clue. But anyway, I'm assuming it's a mission trip, because I remember hearing about it a few years ago. It might be an okay trip, and it would be the first actual "mission" trip I've been on in like 5 years. I don't know... it's something to consider. He said he'd bring me the info Wednesday.

Hmm... I still have lots of time left. I just turned in "Harry the Dirty Dog," which I located the other day using only non-verbal communication. Fun stuff. If Holly hadn't been in the library there's a good chance I would have just given up.

"Do NOT remove box from this location." Senseless sign, if you ask me. If I moved it to another location, it would simply mean not to move it from that location.

So, I wonder if my printer is going to work today. It died yesterday, because I sent a document, and before it started printing the power flashed off and back on, and the document was in cheque for the rest of the day, even after I'd turned everything off and back on. It was in the process of "Deleting" for like 8 hours, and would, of course, not print anything else until if was finished with that. Sometimes I despise modern technology.

It would stink to be a really tall person using these computers, cuz it would make the person next to you feel like you were staring at their screen the whole time. Maybe it would stink more to be next to the tall person. I don't know. I just know that I keep looking over the edge searching for inspiration to keep this post going, and people are starting to look at me funny. Wait, they did that anyway.

Hmm... I think I'm officially out of inspiration. Oh well, it's almost time to go. Bye bye.

Haha, this guy behind me just described someone as having "the emotional depth of a grapefruit." Awesome :)